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PBHS CLASS OF '62 BAD JOKES!

Jokes So Appalling Occasionally
Cross Our Transom,
They Demand to be Shared

Here's the most recent one.

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Though many consider these perfect ice-breakers for party situations,
church socials, Rotary Club and speaking engagements . . .
the PBHS Class of '62 counsels caution.
Yes, we do.

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We start mild, with ACTUAL newspaper headlines from 2007.
 

Okay. They sort of IMMEDIATELY start getting worse.

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My wife. She'll buy anything marked down.
Last night she came home with an escalator.

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Bless the Beasts and the Children
A plea for interspecies understanding.

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after
graduating from Northwestern University.

Hiking through the bush, he encountered a young bull elephant
with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed.

Mbembe approached carefully. He got down on one knee
and inspected the elephant's foot. A large piece of wood was deeply
embedded in it.

Carefully, gently, Mbembe worked out the splinter with his hunting knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face Mbembe and stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, fearful of being trampled.

Finally, the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the miracle of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe strolled through the Chicago Zoo with
his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of
the creatures turned and walked over near where Mbembe and his son Tapu
were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground
then put it down. The elephant repeated the gesture several
times then trumpeted loudly, staring intently at Mbembe.

Remembering his 1986 encounter, Mbembe was stunned and near tears.
Could this be the same elephant?

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed
over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He slowly walked to
the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
 

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Educational degrees and personal achievements notwithstanding,
the Class of '62 is never far from its roots as trailer trash.
Witness this recent submission of "Favorite Country Tunes"
from our foremost social maven's iPod, and weep.

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Ugly? I'm so ugly, when I was born
the doctor spanked my Mother.

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When I got back from Montreal, I had a bunch of Canadian dollars
I needed to exchange. So I went to the currency exchange window
at the local bank. Short line. Only one guy in front of me.
An Asian guy trying to exchange yen for dollars.

He was irritated with the teller.

"Why it change? Yestelday I get two hundled dorra fol my yen!
Today I get hundled eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged her shoulders. "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy yelled, "Fluc you white peopre too!"

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ALL RIGHT. STOP RIGHT HERE. WE HAVE NO INTEREST
IN HEARING HOW BAD THESE JOKES ARE.
WE IMPLORE YOU TO READ NO FURTHER.

ESCHEW CONTINUED PERUSAL!

Entire point? These are sheer crap.

Which is why you will continue reading until there are no more to read.
Nobody will know but you.

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A cowboy spends days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse dies of thirst. The cowboy crawls through the sands, certain he's breathing his last breath.

Then, a hundred yards ahead, a vision. A beautiful woman shimmering in the heat!

He crawls to her, nonplussed to discover she's wearing a dull gray dress, a calculator in her pocketbook, a pencil tucked behind her ear, and a FEMA I.D. badge.

"Okay, cowboy," she says. "You know the drill. Three wishes."

"A FEMA genie mirage? I ain't falling for this," says the cowboy.

"What do you have to lose," she coos. "You can't go anywhere and you look like a goner anyway."

The cowboy thinks a moment. She's right. "Okay, he says. I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

<<POOF!>>

The cowboy's surrounded by the most beautiful oasis he's even imagined, with jugs of wines and delicacies.

"All right, cowpoke. Your second wish?"

"I wish I was rich beyond my wildest dreams!"

<<POOF!>>

Instantly, the cowboy's surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"You've got one wish left, ranch-boy. Better make it a good one!"

The cowboy thinks for a few minutes, looks at the FEMA genie, finally says, "No matter where I go, I wish beautiful women want me and need me."

<<POOF!>>

He turns into a tampon.

Moral:

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

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Yes, Mike McCauley, bastion of good taste in North Arkansas, shares this piece of dreck with us.

Presumably, shirtless schumck below is NOT beloved classmate, McCauley.

Just in case: "You look FABULOUS for your age!" Considering.

REDNECK OVERALLS     Not only are we pretty sure lard-ass (above) is not Mike McCauley, we can gurantee guy ain't no hillbilly. Margarita? In plastic cup? Playing with colorful little paper umbrella in pocket? Whilst wearing overalls discreetly covering male naughty bits? Nada. Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of, "You know you're a redneck when . . .  1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 19 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements. 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

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Seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

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(The following is so racist and linguistic that we're proud to present it in our neverending quest to squelch stereotypes.)

Chinese Wedding Night

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not all that experienced either. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring" he says, "I know it you firss time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting, juss anyting you want. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have heard about...numbaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, sweetly puzzled, he queries...

"You want...chicken wiff broccori?
 

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Missed you! Check in once in awhile!

It is our sole pleasure (well, it's on our LIST of pleasures, kind of far down),
to provide upbeat respite for life's weary travelers.

Hence this AMAZING test!
Of all the online psychological screening sites we've seen,
this one will BLOW YOUR MIND!

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OUR GUARANTEE TO YOU: THEY REALLY DON'T GET WORSE THAN THAT.
MOVING RIGHT ALONG . . .

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Polish guy buys a zebra for a pet. Names him 'Spot'.

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We're not sure if the following bad joke is entirely appropriate for the Holiday Season.
We're not sure it's appropriate for ANY season.

In fact, we're pretty sure this entire page is inappropriate, period.

But bad jokes keep arriving, and our powerful sense of ethics
DEMANDS that we share them.

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What dating was like in 1957

It's summer. 1957. Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's hip. Owns a car. Wears a duck's tail.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?"

She asks Harold what they plan to do that evening. Harold, polite, says they'll probably go to the malt shop or dancing or a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother beams with an even better idea. "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

"Wha-a-a-t?" Harold leans forward.

"Oh, sure," says Peggy Sue's mother. "Peggy Sue LOVES to screw! She'd screw all NIGHT if we let her!"

A few moments later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her poodle skirt, saddle shoes and virgin pin.

Breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts Peggy Sue out the front door. Mom says, "Have a great evening, kids," and winks at Harold.

Twenty minutes later, a disheveled Peggy Sue races back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother -- "Dammit, Mom, it's the 'Twist!' It's called the 'Twist!'"

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Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. Burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe.

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Never . . .

ever . . .

. . . break wind in your wetsuit.

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Yes, here's where bad jokes go to die. Email 'em to the Hall Monitor. Cook 'em and eat 'em, kids.

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MAXINE FERNCLIFFE'S SUREFIRE CLUE YOU'RE IN A GAY BAR

Maxine is the great-niece of a friend of the Hall Monitor's mother's half-brother by her father's [the Hall Monitor's mother's father's] third marriage, who was from Atlanta but moved to Shreveport and then to Hamburg, where he opened an antiques shop and sold off all his inherited furnishings of the past three generations before moving to Houston and running a convenience store in River Oaks, which friend he subsequently married, adopting Maxine at an early age, though not her half-brother, whom the Hall Monitor's mother's half-brother decided was either mixed-race, or just sort of odd-looking, and couldn't deal with it,
in the fine old Southern tradition of extended ancestries, run-on sentences,
Faulknerian families and completely irrelevant tangents to whatever is germane.

Or, Germaine, who is possibly related to our stepbrother's side of the family, out of Monroe, LA.

Anyway, somebody thankfully gave birth to Maxine.

Maxine and the Hall Monitor have established a warm, inter-generational friendship, or "thingy," as she prefers.

We are finally reassured at receiving her "surefire" clue that we're in a gay bar,
provided here pro bono to other potentially perplexed Pine Bluffians.

Thanks, Max, for providing selfless public service to help humanity cope with changing times.

Maxine Ferncliffe's Surefire Gay Bar Clue - Tx, MF!

"Tx, Max! For showing us the way!"
     - Z.B., Phoenix

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I checked into American Airlines with three pieces of luggage.

"I want this piece to go to Los Angeles, this piece to New York,
and this piece to Cleveland."

"We can't do that."

"You did it last week."

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Guy walks out of a bar, drunk as a skunk. Stumbles to his car in the parking lot.

Parked policeman keeps an eye on him.

Guy fumbles with his keys, finally unlocks the door, crawls in, slams the door behind him. He pulls the wrong switch. His emergency lights start flashing. He manages to turn them off. Starts the car. Lurches forward a few inches. Slams on the brakes. Lurches backwards a few inches. Slams on the brakes. Accidentally hits the horn.

Several other bar patrons leave, do their best to ignore this sad display.

Cop patiently keeps eyes glued to this drunk, who finally manages to pull his car out of the parking lot and start down the street.

Cop turns on his lights and sirens, pulls him over. Gives him a breathalyzer -- which the guy passes with flying colors. No alcohol content at all!

Cop's disgruntled. "You're going to have to come with me to the station. There's something wrong with this breathalyzer."

"I doubt it," says the guy. "I'm the designated decoy."

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Polish guy locked his keys in the car. Took an hour to get his wife out.

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We've all been guilty (those of us who graduated high school in 1962) of looking at others our own age and thinking, "I CAN'T look that old."

A woman sitting in the waiting room for her first appointment with a new dentist noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, and was instantly struck by his name. She remembered a tall, handsome youth with exactly that name, in her class some forty-odd years ago. Her heart skipped a beat, for she had had a secret crush on him way back when.

Finally ushered into his dental chair, she was disappointed when a bald, deeply-lined, much older man walked in and introduced himself.

Still . . . after he examined her teeth, she asked, "Did you go to Pine Bluff High School?"

He suddenly beamed with pride. "Yes! I was a Zebra!"

She asked, "When did you graduate?"

"In 1962," he answered. "Why do you ask?"

She smiled. "You were in my class!"

"Really? What did you teach?"

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A Texas midget's testicles hurt and ached almost all the time.

The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him on the examining table and started examining him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, checking for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, asking the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" the doctor said again. He reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look down, but was amazed that the snipping didn't hurt!

Then the doctor told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely
delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles no longer ached!

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

The Texas midget replied, "Perfect, Doc! And I didn't even feel it! What did you do?"

"Cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

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My brother opened a Tall Man's Shop in Tokyo.

 

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"Only In America" one-liners . . .

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open but chain the pens to the counters.

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"Ever Wonder?" one-liners . . .
 

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouths closed?

Why you never see the headline, "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why doctors call what they do, "practice"?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why the time of day with the slowest traffic is called rush hour?

Why there's not mouse-flavored cat food?
Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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Pope Benedict XVI was not the Cardinals' first pick as Pope.

They wanted Cardinal Secola from Brazil.

Problem was, they didn't want to deal with the world calling him 'Pope Secola.'

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WARNING: OKAY. NOW THEY GET WORSE

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REASONS TO LEARN ITALIAN

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